Have you ever feel like whatever you do is not good enough? Or you don’t get a thank you or get rewarded for it? And you start having insecurities to yourself. That is the time in my life where I feel that no matter how hard I tried to do the things, but I still couldn’t get enough of it. It is so good yet so bad if your parents keep telling the whole family or their relatives about their children’s education, behaviour, etc. They are so proud to have a kid who gets good grade, good behaviour, etc. But at some point it is like having so much pressure to keep having it while you think you are not good enough to be told to other people everytime your parents meet their old friends, or other relatives. Oh well, my teachers told me you have to be proud if your parents have a good topic to talk with their relatives, and especially if the topic is about your good grade or about something you can achieve. I know right, but for me, what is the point of telling everyone? Is it make me smarter? I know that is not! But I appreciate is because my parents really know how hard I keep my good grades, how stresful I am, and everything I’ve been through, they said I deserve it. It is way too different with my friend’s parents. For example like when I went to her house, her mother said all those negative things about her kid. I know that this friend would be happy if she became my Mum’s daughter.
As the title of this post, Atelphobia; the fear of not being good enough. I had an experience. When I was in the second semester, I had Mathematic class, the lecturer was so good at teaching us, but as I do not like Math at all, so sometimes I found it a bit difficult. Yes, Math is my weakness (this is why I think I made a wrong decision to took Accounting as my major). Some people out there said to me “You must be have an excellent mark on Math, that is why you are an Accounting student”. For me, Math classes were so damn boring.
I had so much doubt that I couldn’t get good grade on this Math class. I told my friend that I thought I would get 2 on this exam. They weren’t agree with me, they were sure I could get good grade, again. Finally, I got good marks on these two Math exams, I got 9 and 10 for the final exam. This is what I called as “Atelphobia“. The fear of being not good enough, even in fact I could do what I want, in the end I could achieve what I wish.
Now I am in the third semester and my major is Accounting. I still be able to got good grades from all classes I’ve attendend. My GPA is 3.60 in the first semester and 4.00 in the second semester. Am I proud of it? Yes, I am. Some seniors and friends said that it takes much responsibility in the end to to get 4.00 as your GPA. But for me it is so nonsense. I do not worry about it because it is a reward I deserve to get for all my hard work. It is pay off. Sometimes I think I made a wrong decision, and I feel that doing Accounting is not my passion. And I found my passion is on something like literature, especially in English. I had a chance to study English Language & Literature when I graduated from High School. It was a scholarship for the best ten students in the school, and I am one of those students who had a chance to got that scholarship. But my Mum said that I can take an English course if I want to have an English better skill. So I did not take that offer and I obeyed my Mum to continue my major in Accounting. And now, sometimes I regret about the decision I made. But after all, I do not know why I still get good grades even I do not love this major as much as I love English Literature.
My friend said to me it is better to quit, and find my passion. But well, I am not a quitter. The more I feel that is a hard thing to do, the more it challenges me to fight for it. And I thank God for everything I get now. Two years left. I take a short semester, so it is only take 3 year or at least 3,5 years to finish my study. I hope I can finish it on time, so my plan to continue my degree can be achieved. I hope. But then again it’ll be stressed me out again after graduate, whether I will continue my degree or not; or try to find a proper job. I really need to decide it, so I know what I’ll do later.
Till now, some lecturers really appreciate what I’ve done in the classes. Mrs. Daisy Vanye, so far she becomes my favorite lecturer, she taught us English Business, I like the way she keeps the conversation going and using English in the class, even though some friends did not like it. I hope there will be another English Business classes, but it won’t happen, I know. And my Cost Accounting lecturer sent me an e-mail and in his e-mail he said thankyou for me to understand this subject, he appreciated the way I could finish my assignments on time and with excellent result. Glad I did it.
I thought college life is so hard before I live in it, but now I can do it easy even it is really make me so stressed sometimes.
I just hope I can throw this feeling away, so I can enjoy my college life and finish my degree on time and keep doing all my best to get good grades. Really, really I hope it can be continued to the near future.